Behind the Mask
by Fangs of Lightning
Summary: It's the middle of the night, and Rideaux's a mess. That's what thinking of feelings and the reasons why they shouldn't be pursued gets him. First POV.


Notes: As usual, I do not own these characters. Rideaux's POV.

Behind the Mask

The tears won't stop coming as I lay on my side in bed, staring at the phone held in my limp hand. How I had even managed to work myself up like this, I had no idea. But nothing I tried was working to stop the ache in my chest or the tears. Raising one of my hands, I wipe my face for what must have been the fiftieth time that hour. There were plenty of reasons for why I shouldn't open that phone and go through with my half-formed plan. A bitter laugh reached my ears, and it took a moment for me to recognize it as my own.

Sitting up is a dizzying ordeal, and I wipe my tears away again before changing position. Sleep clearly wouldn't be coming to me tonight. I prefer to cry like this, anyway. With my legs pulled up against my chest, arms tightly hugging myself, and my face hidden in my knees. My long hair brushes against my bare arms as I give in to the sobbing. No one could see me here, anyway. I can get back to being 'that asshole no one wants to be around' tomorrow. Since childhood, I've hated showing emotion. It never got me anything- only pain and ridicule. So why should I give anyone anything but that?

Why did I feel like I was dying every time I thought of that smile- only to remember that it was never for me? Would never be for me?

Why did I feel like calling him and spilling everything at this ridiculous time in the morning?

Emotions, that's why. Another sharp laugh forces itself from my throat, and this time it hurts a little. This was all pointless, in the end. It would never amount to anything. We simply aren't compatible. There's absolutely no reason we would ever be together. Only plenty reasons why it would never happen.

First and foremost being that I'm the reason he's stuck paying off that debt. That stupid thing was certainly a big enough incentive to dislike me. A twenty-million gald incentive, to be exact. Then there was that blackmail into joining Spirius. I snort into my legs and instantly regret it. The mucus on my thighs is absolutely disgusting, and yet another reason I hate crying. The blackmail wasn't technically my fault, but considering I'd given him the debt for that purpose... It was an asshole thing to do. Just like everything else I do.

The blanket under me rustled when I moved to cross my legs and stare down into my lap. There was a sigh, and even I had to wince at how depressed it had sounded.

My personality is probably the biggest reason why I shouldn't be in love with him. With anyone. I'm a complete asshole. I know that. It's intentional. If I showed anyone who I really am, I wouldn't be of any use to anyone, and then I'd be dead. That's just how life works. I've known that for years now. But it bothers me when he looks at me. He looks at me, and it's just so clear how he hates me. I could see it in those eyes. Those beautiful sky blue eyes... Biting my lip hurts, but I do it anyway. No one ever looks at me as anything but what I present. What I'm forced to act like. They don't even begin trying to understand me. Even that idiot Julius never bothered, and he understands my situation better than anyone.

Shoving the blankets to the side, I swing my legs off the bed and stand. I don't bother turning any of the lights on as I walk into the kitchen. It's nearly midnight, but I open the fridge and blink in the sudden flood of light anyway. It doesn't take long for my eyes to adjust and I look for something suitable. There's still that double chocolate cake from earlier, and I quickly pull it out. My fork from earlier is still on the table- why hadn't I put that away?- so I grab it and start eating.

I'm so sick of it. I want to care about someone for once. To be able to walk up to someone and tell them how I truly feel. I take a seat at the table, leaning forward with my legs crossed and one elbow supporting my weight next to the cake. No one would believe me if I did tell them how I really feel. Especially not Ludger. Not after everything I've put him through. I've made his life hell, and for what? So Bakur would think I'm still useful to him? Load of good that did me. Another piece of cake gets shoved in my mouth, and I know I'm going to regret all this sugar later. But my thoughts are focusing on Ludger, so I really don't care.

I'm the reason his precious fake is gone. He loved her- I could see it in the way he grabbed her hand as she started falling. The hesitation before he dropped her. The apology in his eyes as he released her hand and let her die so he could save his brat instead. I don't regret playing a major role in her death. It was a necessary evil, and I know he understands that as well. But it's still something he won't forgive me for.

Staring down at the cake, my vision's blurry again as I watch tears drop into the icing. This is pathetic. After so long, the way a single person feels about me shouldn't upset me this much. After not caring, looking out for myself all this time, and shoving everyone away... More tears slide down my face and I cough on the sob I try to hold back. I hate this. I shouldn't be like this. Life was just fine before Ludger got involved with it. _I _was just fine. Not a crying mess because of a few emotions I never asked for. Hadn't I gone through enough already? Ludger certainly wouldn't make anything better. I'm just a sadistic narcissist of a man, too caught up in the corruption of our world to give a damn. Everything I do is to keep myself alive and safe. Everything Ludger does is for other people. He would die if it would help someone he cares about. Especially that little family of his. ...That's another reason nothing would work out. His family hates me. Not without reason, but still... Even if Ludger and I did...

I shake my head and trace a design in the icing. That would never happen. Not in this dimension. Maybe, if things were different.

But they aren't. I am who I am, and that isn't what anyone wants. Especially not someone as kind as Ludger. I'm what he probably hates most in the world. I sigh again, sneeze, and push the cake away. This is getting ridiculous. If I'm going to cry like a woman over Ludger's lack of affection for me, I might as well hear it from him first.

The chair falls onto the floor as I stand and walk off back to my bedroom. That's where I left my phone. The mattress dips beneath my weight as I sit and grab my phone. Flipping it open, I frown at my own face before typing. As determined as I am for an answer, I refuse to actually speak with him in this pathetic state.

**I know you hate me, but I've found that recently **I frown and stop typing. Was that really the way to do it? Holding the backspace, I erase the message and start over. **I know you've never been given much reason to care about me either way, but when I think of you **Too cheesy. I erase that as well and sigh. **Over the time we've known each other **No, that doesn't work either. Maybe simple might be best. With a nod, I type a short message and send it to Ludger.

**I love you. **By the time he sees it, I'll be over this mood and back to my usual- A small ding sounds loud in the room and I nervously look at the screen again.

_**When did that happen? **_I almost laugh, but manage to reduce it to a scoff instead.

**Somewhere between killing your girlfriend and now. **I can't believe this. Past midnight, and he's actually responding. What does he do with himself?

_**What girlfriend? **_I go to respond, but another message pops up. _**Oh, you mean Milla. She wasn't my girlfriend. **_

**Then you didn't love her? **

_**No, of course not. She was a good friend, but that's it. **_I roll my eyes at the cliche and set the phone down. I'd already said what I wanted to. A few moments later, the ding has me looking at the screen again. _**I don't hold that against you. I'm more angry with myself for not being strong enough for her. **_

**Why not? It was all my idea. Everyone else hates me for it. **

_**I don't hate you. **_I stare at the screen. His voice comes to mind as I reread the message to make sure I hadn't misread it. As I'm doing so, there's another ding and I focus on the new message. _**I want to hear more about how you're feeling. You know where I live. Be here at seven. **_

At this point, I don't know if I want to laugh or cry again. Ludger wants to talk to me at his apartment. And he doesn't hate me. Of course, there are still all those other reasons this might not work out... Whatever. I close my phone and set it down. If this is going to work, there's one thing I have to do. It's going to be hard, but...

I have to keep that mask off a little longer and be open with him.


End file.
